“Highly sensitive people learned early in life to try to control the external world as a way to attempt to manage their inner one.”
― Sheryl Paul
“Highly sensitive people tend to have stronger emotional responses than others.”
“Partly, this is because they notice so many emotional cues that others miss, so they’re very ‘tuned in’ to feelings. But it’s also because HSPs process things so deeply. Imagine if you felt every emotion five times longer and five times louder; that’s kind of what it’s like to be an HSP.”
“It seems my heart is made of tissue paper; I wish the world would handle it more delicately.”
― Richelle E. Goodrich
“One of my favorite aspects of high sensitivity is finding wonder in the smallest of things.”
— Cati Vanden Breul, 8 Reasons Being Highly Sensitive Is Actually a Good Thing
Many before me have described what it feels like to be a highly sensitive individual. I don't know that I can do better to describe it, but if nothing else I can add my individual perception to the database of knowledge on what it feels like, to me.
From a young age I knew I was different. From a young age I felt burdened. It's taken me a long time to figure this aspect of myself out, and it's still a work in progress. One thing I know, I feel an incredible responsibility to the people/animals/things that I love. The mountains I would climb are steep. To the point you'd wonder where my boundaries are. I'll admit, in the past there weren't any. To the detriment of myself, I'd give. It's not that I always even thought I was doing any good, it was more of a responsibility. And that responsibility comes from really empathizing with a person's struggle. Even if what they were doing was wrong, I knew they were only doing what they knew/understood/thought-they-could do. It feels like I'm almost a part of the person when I'm empathizing with them. This goes far beyond sympathy, where you feel bad FOR a person. It's really, feeling bad WITH the person. At least it is for me. I can so easily slip into their plight. And this goes for emotional pain, and physical. If you're in pain so that I am a witness, I'm in pain as well. As a child I was told I was overly sensitive and melodramatic. I still get called these things today. And what I always wondered was, how can you all be so cruel? This world is so painful, it's absolutely overwhelming to a small, sensitive child. I have days I cannot take it now, a full-grown 40 year-old woman! It's just that I deeply, deeply feel how temporary all of this world is. It's beauty is a direct result of its temporary-ness. Every moment is so fleeting. It's hard to accept, really. As a child, I'd feel my mom's stress and unhappiness. I believe she is highly sensitive as well. When I was young, she was sick a lot. And now that I'm old, I truly believe it was a result of depression and maybe even seasonal affective disorder. I picked up on that sadness early on and learned to be a very good girl, and to anticipate the needs of others. And that's really the key, is anticipating. It's the root to most of my suffering, frankly. Trying to anticipate other's unspoken needs. Because I was programmed to anticipate, I continued on doing that, in pretty much everything in my life. And, since I knew suffering, and since I knew sadness, I started to really anticipate that. This behavior turned to a kind of hyper awareness, if you will. Always watching people's faces, listening to their tone of voice, watching their body language... when you're like that for long enough, it's my belief, you begin to develop that ability and you become more and more able to anticipate needs. Your brain is literally trying to anticipate constantly. It's what I imagine a wild bunny would feel. Always ready to act. Anticipating something ready to eat it, every second! And the desire to be cooperative was definitely a part of it, it made me feel loved when I was praised for simply knowing what was expected of me. I have heard plenty of stories from my Grandma, Aunt, Mom... about how "good" I was. We call this being a people-pleaser now-a-days. It's the notion that you glean love from satisfying the needs of others. The problem is that it's temporary, it doesn't last. And then, you're on the hunt for the next need to satisfy. You never feel truly satisfied yourself because it's not real love. It's a band-aid for the gaping hole that only real love will fill. When you're sensitive, it affects all facets of your being. It's not just a "mood" thing. It's not just a chemical thing. It's not just a diet thing. It's a body and soul thing. It's an all-of-your-senses thing. Being sensitive means that while you're having your morning coffee and your spouse is making a mental list of their day, you're trying to figure out how to get outside, and you're looking out the window watching the tree line looking for birds and remembering smelling the Earth, it was a bit moist and the space was alive! Out there is the chatter in the trees of the birds and bugs and squirrels and bees and butterflies and all of the different moments get as much attention as the next, all the while you're trying to breathe because you're tired. And you need to plan the day like them, but, as usual it's hard to concentrate on much because you didn't sleep well, up thinking about the kids and how it all goes so fast. Replaying moments, feeling the emotions associated with each memory. It's all quite overwhelming and painful. And when something hurts in your mind, something that's sad, or horrible; it can manifest as pain in the body as well. Aches and pains, headaches and upset stomachs. It's watching an action movie and being able to feel the pain of the characters in all of their distress. It's not being able to watch scary movies or go to haunted houses, the anticipation of the fear, and the actual stress from anticipating is too much. I learned the hard way, a tension headache isn't worth it. An upset tummy isn't worth it. But mostly, just living, being awake is exhausting! It's managing all of the sensations with everyone you come into contact with. The wall that goes up to manage the barrage of input takes its toll. Eventually exhaustion will take hold and then it's time to sleep. People who are sensitive need a lot of rest. Being tired on its own is enough to make me feel ill. I think it's because so much energy is expended on just maintaining, that eventually you bottom out. I've made ridiculous choices just because I was tired. Not getting enough rest is the bane of my existence and I guard against it at all costs. It makes all sensitivity worse. Being awake, noises, life hurts my sensitive self when I'm tired.
I used to feel a lot of shame with regard to my sensitive nature. In an effort to make myself less sensitive, I would self-medicate. It started with alcohol, but quickly turned to harder substances. It was delightful to not feel all of the feelings of life, I loved it! It made so many things easier, until it didn't. Numbing myself to normal life, led into numbing myself in all of my conflicts, to the point I wouldn't deal with anything in life without numbing myself in some way, first. Predictably, this resulted in addiction. And sadly, I know many sensitive folks who suffer from addiction. I believe the core issues are mostly the same with all of us: we never learned how to embrace our sensitivity. Many suffered trauma and trauma is painful. Until you actually allow yourself to feel the pain, you'll never get through it, and because we feel so much already, it seems like too much to cope with. It starts with taking the edge off and develops into an escape from a painful reality. I know plenty of sensitive people who suffer from depression and anxiety as well and they numb this as well. It may be with prescribed pharmaceuticals, regardless, they're numbing that discomfort and putting off healing for another day. I do not begrudge these medicines. I appreciate their role in the tool-box of treatment options. What I do not like is that practitioners often prescribe with no real plan to eliminate them. In fact, the opposite is more accurate. They continue to up the dose until you're on such a high dose that a new med is needed. Do you see the fallacy? Dealing with the root cause, going through the pain, even for someone very sensitive is the only way to be rid of the pain. Counseling, soul-searching, being alone, getting into nature, moving your body, being a part of a tribe, self-care... all of these things are more effective than pills to get to the root of the problem and cope with the driving force behind the depression/anxiety. I believe this is especially important for sensitive individuals. In order to cope with daily life, you must embrace your sensitivity! You must realize that this special characteristic sets you apart from others. It's not something to be numbed away, it's something to be celebrated! Sensitive people make incredible mothers, friends and mentors. Sensitive people make incredible leaders and counselors and teachers! Who else would you rather have teaching your babies than someone who feels so deeply that they couldn't imagine hurting others? They take the extra time to understand. Sensitive people are fantastic listeners, healers and the saviors in the normal world. Who else rescues a baby squirrel from a cat and takes it to the zoo so it can heal and grow? (ha! that was me).... Sensitive people are the number one breakers of ancestral trauma. That's the trauma your mom and her mom experienced in their youth. They didn't know any better and their coping mechanisms shaped their life, and yours if you grew up in it. We break that pattern and say, NO! I will let my kids be sensitive, I will not shame them. I will not scream or hurt them the way I was hurt, I will listen and let compassion guide my actions. The kids then grow up loving themselves and have more self-confidence. And no reason to numb the pain to begin with, because their sensitivity is celebrated.
Being sensitive is a gift. For too many years I numbed away discomfort in an effort to thwart my sensitive nature. Now that I am past that, I can't help but feel an immense responsibility to other sensitive souls. It's just part of who I am. I want you to know that being sensitive is beautiful. Being sensitive is absolutely imperative in this callous world we live in. I still absorb all of that energy, emotional and physical from those who are suffering. I still can't watch scary movies and I still space out thinking of the birds and the fresh air when I should be planning my day- I still cry often and hurt deeply for others, and I still do a lot of anticipating of other's needs, but not to the detriment of myself anymore. In celebrating my sensitivity, I've given myself permission to be myself. No shame! And to cope with my sensitivity, I require a lot of self-care including napping, yoga, meditating, being in nature. I don't pop pills to numb, I allow myself to feel, and I allow myself to recover. My kids understand, my husband understands, my true friends understand and those who don't have naturally fallen away. My desire for other sensitive people is to embrace your nature, be proud of who you are and realize that sensitivity is a superpower.
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